


The fear of Loving

by etherealsapphic



Category: Scream (TV)
Genre: As it should be, Emma and Rachel have like one small paragraph dedicated to each but that's about it, F/F, I didn't really do them justice, Jake is very briefly mentioned, This is very much Brooke and Audrey centered, and ik the title sounds like it's going to be all angst but I swear it's not, and so is Noah, but i tried, but since the writers are cowARDS, here is Audrey and Brooke confessing they're in love, so this is something to kind of feed my own thirst for these two queens, there isn't enough Brooke and Audrey fanfics, they should've just admitted they were in love in the show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:34:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25596613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etherealsapphic/pseuds/etherealsapphic
Summary: She loves her, but she is still afraid.She loves her, but she is still terrified.Audrey loves Brooke, but she feels so lost.
Relationships: Audrey Jensen/Brooke Maddox
Kudos: 13





	The fear of Loving

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!!! This is my first ever fic and I know it's not very good but I've been putting off posting it for like over a year now...so I think it's about time I grew a pair and put it up. I know not a lot of people are going to read this, if any, but I tried so if you do read this I hope you enjoy it :)

She loves her.  
She sits beside her at the edge of the pool.  
The shallow side gives the girl next to her the comfort of knowing that if she falls, her feet will always touch the ground. “Otherwise I'm afraid I'll drown,” she tells Audrey while they both dangle their feet in the relatively calm water. She pushes a strand of her golden silk hair behind her ear and Audrey wants to take a picture, and capture this moment forever because she looks breathtaking, but Audrey’s camera is inside forgotten, up till this moment, on the couch beside her bag. Instead Audrey tries to drink up every detail about this very moment. About this exact view, so that she can burn it into her mind. Later when Audrey finds herself alone in her bed and her demons start to plague her thoughts she will bring this moment to the front of her mind, so that when she closes her eyes all she’ll see will be the way the water reflects on smooth skin, the way the other girl’s lips look so soft while she gently bites her bottom lip, how the moon shines around her like a halo, and how her eyes see nothing but Audrey. She will see this instead of the bodies, and blood, and masks that usually haunt her dreams. She knows moments like this with the girl next to her are the only things that calm her mind enough for her demons to fall silent because even they stare in awe at the sun.  
She loves her, but she is afraid.  
The last girl she dared love was murdered. Sometimes she can feel her neck burn as if the rope they tied around her last lover’s neck is now breaking her’s the same way. Maybe it’s her lover from beyond the grave. After all if anyone deserved to die it was Audrey, not Rachel, or that’s what she tells herself. The last girl she loved was an innocent caught in the midst of a war, and she paid with her life. Rachel still has a place in her darkest nightmares. She can still hear her call out her name sometimes. One day Audrey cried for three hours because she saw Rachel in her reflection instead of her own sunken face staring back. The last girl she loved was murdered and she was still being haunted by her.  
“Do you miss her?” she asks besides Audrey and she knows she means Rachel, she knows she means the girl that was stolen from her.  
“Everyday. I used to only be able to think about her and the pain of losing her, but little by little it became an ache in my heart instead of a void...some days the ache is more noticeable than others,” is the soft spoken response Audrey offers.  
She loves her, but if anyone ever tried taking her from Audrey, hell would be paid and not even god herself would keep Audrey from bringing her back to the warmth of the living. Rachel was gone, but she wasn’t, not yet, not ever. But despite how fearlessly she was willing to protect her: despite swearing to herself that she wouldn’t let anything happen to her, that she wouldn’t leave her the way she left Rachel, she was still afraid. She was afraid of losing someone else she loved, and being rendered helpless once more.  
She loves her, but she is terrified.  
The first girl she loved tore her open and bled her dry. Emma had been Audrey’s best friend, her other half, her first love. Audrey had been scared of the world knowing her “dirty little secret,” but how could she not love Emma? She was beautiful and Audrey clung to every word she said, and then Emma abandoned her. Audrey loved her with every fiber in your young body and Emma left her anyways. Audrey had been bitter and resentful while Emma remained beautiful and soft. Audrey was all broken pieces and dark thoughts, so eventually it made sense to her that her first love left her. Audrey had been afraid, but so had Emma. Audrey loved her, and she had been angry because she thought her best friend didn't love her back. She did. Emma had always loved her back.  
“When did you know?” she asks besides Audrey. “Know what?” Audrey knows what she means and her heart hammers in her chest. She needs to hear the girl beside her say it. “How did you know you liked girls?” she whispers, finally looking up at Audrey. She can see the question makes the blonde just as nervous as it makes her but she maintains her gaze on Audrey unwavering, but with a softness there that Audrey doesn’t know what to do with. They’re so close that Audrey can see that her eyes have flecks of gold in them. Before answering the thought crosses through her head that maybe she wouldn’t mind drowning in the girl’s eyes.  
“When I fell in love with Emma,” and even Audrey can hear the nostalgia in her own voice as she responds. “Why Emma?” she asks. There’s no malice in her voice, just a gentle curiosity. “She was everything I couldn’t be. I loved her because she was my best friend. It’s always Emma isn’t it?” Audrey chuckles softly and tears her eyes away from the girl next to her. She turns away too and stares at the water for a moment before speaking again. “She loved you back, you know,” she says matter of factly. She turns her head to look at Audrey once more and tilts her head slightly. She smiles sadly at the dark haired girl before continuing. “She tried to hide it from us but I knew. No one stares the way she stared at you just because you guys used to be friends...She was in love with you. I just don’t think she knew,” she says it so gently as if it might make Audrey fall apart at the news that her first love loved her once upon a time too, but how could Audrey care when she was so close to the girl in front of her that she could see all the constellations hidden in the freckles dusting her face. How could Audrey care when all she could think was that the girl before her put the entire universe to shame with her beauty. Everything about the girl next to her was so much more enticing than a love that had died in a barn full of confessions, fear, and death.  
She loves her, but she is still afraid.  
She loves her, but she is still terrified.  
Audrey loves Brooke, but she feels so lost.  
“Why do you ask? About liking girls, and about Emma and Rachel? Why does it matter now?” Audrey asks with a curious look in her eyes as she waits for Brooke’s response. She notices that their hands are so close between them. She could reach out with her pinky and touch who she’s been craving for months now. She decides against it. “I think I met someone,” is Brooke’s careful answer. Audrey looks back up to her face and tries desperately to ignore the knot forming in her stomach at the thought of Brooke meeting someone. She waits for Brooke to continue. “I met her a while ago, but with everything that was happening I didn’t dwell on things. Now things finally seem...normal, or as normal as we’re ever going to get after everything, and now I can dwell on it. It seems so stupid now to feel so conflicted over something so trivial next to...what we’ve been through, but I can’t help it you know?” Audrey still doesn’t respond. She feels bile trying to rise in her throat and the way her eyes begin to sting, so she looks away. She swallows her feelings down and listens. She knows Brooke needs her to listen. She needs a friend, and who is Audrey to ever deny Brooke anything. Brooke continues after taking a deep breath in what seems like an attempt to give herself courage to continue. “I don’t know what it means. I’ve never really thought of liking girls before, but with her it all changed. I want to be with her, and now that things seem safe the feeling just intensified. I...I think I love her Audrey, and I don’t know what to do with it or with her. I don’t know what to do with all the things I feel for her.” Brooke begins to cry and Audrey pushes all of her own sadness away. She pushes away the crushing pain of knowing that Brooke is in love with someone else. She pulls Brooke close to her and tucks her into herself almost as if trying to protect her from any more pain. Brooke’s head ends up resting on Audrey’s chest while Audrey lets her chin rest on top of Brooke's head while she gently brushes her fingers through Brooke’s soft hair. She lets the blonde cry until she starts to quiet down. A comfortable silence eventually falls upon them, and with Brooke in her arms, Audrey can almost forget that Brooke is in love with another girl. Almost.  
“Why don’t you just talk to her Brooke?” Audrey says in a quiet voice once she’s sure that Brooke has calmed down. “What if she doesn’t want me?” Brooke asks in such a vulnerable voice that it breaks Audrey’s heart. “Because you’re a girl?” Audrey wondered if this girl, whoever she was, was straight? Then she could understand Brooke’s predicament. “No. She’s not straight. What if she just doesn’t want me because I’m me?” Brooke pulled back from their position in order to face Audrey again. Audrey instantly missed the other girl’s body warmth, but she was more taken aback by Brooke’s response. The popular girl had never had issues with her confidence as long as Audrey had known her. Brooke walked with her head held high, and as if she knew the entire world stopped just to get a look at all that she was. So to hear her question whether some girl would think her worth enough to love hurt Audrey. She knew that the murders and the losses of people they loved took a toll on all of them, but to see Brooke this vulnerable and unsure made Audrey’s heart clench. She wished she could change all of it. That she could make all this pain and horrible change go away. Brooke deserved more than this. So without thinking Audrey cupped Brooke’s face with both of her hands. Her thumbs softly made circles on her cheeks and she rested her forehead against Brooke’s, and she closed her eyes relishing in the warmth of Brooke so close to her. She knew that it was a very intimate position, but she needed to somehow make Brooke understand. Seeing as Brooke didn’t pull away, but instead leaned into her touch, Audrey knew that Brooke wasn’t weirded out by the new proximity. “Brooke, you are the most amazing girl I have ever met. If that girl doesn’t see it then she isn’t worth it. You are-” Audrey cuts herself off as she pulls back a little to take a deep breath before continuing. She opens her eyes to find Brooke staring back with wonder in her eyes. “You are the reason I still believe there’s good in the world Brooke. Even after all the horrible things we had to live through you are good and wonderful and smart and funny and caring and complex and you are confident. Nobody is worth wavering your confidence Brooke. You know you’re amazing. I know you’re too good for anyone. That girl knows that she’s lucky you even notice her let alone love her, and if she doesn’t then she isn’t worth it. Okay?” And Audrey knows she said too much. She knows there’s no way in hell that Brooke isn’t now aware that Audrey is completely and irrevocably in love with her. She knows Brooke will probably now let her down and possibly regret their new friendship. But Brooke always surprises her. Brooke doesn’t usually do what’s expected of her because despite everything including her momentary self doubt Brooke Maddox is a force to reckon with. And Audrey has always loved girls that have storms brewing deep within them, so she shouldn’t be as surprised as she is when Brooke smiles at her like Audrey just gave her everything her heart desired and then kisses her. Brooke kisses Audrey like her life depends on it and Audrey is so surprised it takes her a minute before she begins to respond. She finally grabs Brooke’s waist with one hand while she cups her jaw with the other. They don’t let the kiss get too heated because there are still questions. So many questions. Audrey pulls back gently and rests her against Brooke’s once more and they’re trying to catch their breaths. Audrey isn’t sure if the fast heartbeat is hers or Brooke’s or if their hearts are just simply in sync now. “I’m confused,” Audrey whispers to Brooke, afraid to scare her off and lose this skin on skin contact. Brooke smiles softly at that and nods her head. She leans back and Audrey regrets saying anything, wanting to pull Brooke back into her, but she doesn’t. She lets Brooke lean back and waits for her to talk, to explain. “Audrey...everyone used to be scared of me. They either wanted to be me or be my friend because it would give them some sort of popularity, or they were afraid I would burn them down for making eye contact. You never gave a shit. You showed up to my party with your held high, and you didn't even care that it was my party, and I hadn’t invited you. Then when the murders kept happening and we were pushed together because of possible death and the all consuming fear, you never treated me like I was special. You didn’t act like I was royalty. You were different. I thought I would hate it, but I didn’t. Then eventually I realized we were friends, and you treated me as such. But somewhere along the way things changed. I don’t know if it was while I was with Jake,” at the mention of his name Brooke’s voice wavers. It still hurts, Audrey knows, there is a piece of Brooke that died with Jake, but Brooke just takes a deep breath and continues. “I don’t know if it was after, but something shifted and I didn’t know if it was just from my side or if you felt it too. But all of a sudden we were holding hands and cuddling and you took care of me and loved me in a way that I never thought anyone would. You saw who I was under all the layers I put up for the world and somehow you seemed to love me more for it, and I didn’t know what to do with that. I’m in love with you Audrey.” Brooke stops talking and she’s looking at Audrey like she’s expecting her to say something, but Audrey is still trying to grasp what she has just been told.  
Brooke loves her.  
Brooke loves Audrey.  
And Audrey loves Brooke.  
But she is still so afraid.  
Audrey closes the distance between them again and kisses Brooke. It’s a gentle kiss, and it doesn’t last too long because Audrey pulls back once more. She knows she needs to tell Brooke the truth. She knows she needs to tell her something because Brooke just confessed to her and bared her heart out on her sleeve.  
“Brooke.” “Audrey.” The dark haired girl smiles softly at Brooke’s antics. “Brooke I love you. And...and I’m in love with you, but...Brooke I’m terrified,” and now it’s out in the open. Audrey loves this girl. Loves her so much it hurts. Loves her so much it scares her. It scares her enough to sometimes make her wish she never loved Brooke at all even when she knows her life is so much better with Brooke in it. “Of what?” Brooke notices how tense Audrey’s body is. She’s aware that Audrey is digging her nails into the palm of her hand as if trying to ground herself. She’s aware that Audrey looks like she’s getting ready to run away at any sudden movement, so Brooke is careful with how she asks. “Of everything. I’m scared that loving you means that one day I may not have you anymore. I'm afraid that I won’t be able to protect you. I'm terrified of everything that I feel for you because it’s so intense and strong it astounds me. I'm so scared of how in love with you I am,” and even though Audrey isn’t really one to cry, she can’t help the few tears that escape her eyes. Brooke carefully grabs hold of one of Audrey’s hands and with the other she wipes away those silent tears. Audrey looks at her and Brooke loses her breath at how vulnerable she looks. “Audrey, I’m scared too. But what I feel when I’m with you...what i feel for you, is so much stronger than any fear,” Brooke tucks a strand of Audrey’s hair back behind her ear. Her hair has gotten a little longer, and Brooke fleetingly thinks about telling Audrey she can cut her hair for her.  
Audrey stays quiet for a moment longer before she kisses Brooke again. It all feels very intimate and intense, but also so soft and innocent that it makes Brooke wonder why it took her so long to do this. It makes her wonder why she ever thought that Audrey wouldn’t love her back?  
After everything they’ve been through Brooke finally feels safe with Audrey. Feels safe kissing her and holding her hand. Feels safe every time they pull back to catch their breaths, and she sees how dazed Audrey looks, and how when their eyes meet Audrey looks at her as if she’s all the stars in the sky, and the most beautiful work of art she’s ever seen. She feels safe with the warmth of Audrey’s body seeping into her own while they cling to each other like they need to memorize exactly what it feels like to be with each other like this.  
After everything they’ve been through Audrey finally feels completely calm with Brooke. The turmoil in her head falls silent everytime Brooke runs her hands through Audrey’s hair. The way her heart always seems to feel  
They eventually make their way back into Brooke’s house. Audrey wonders where they stand now. They’ve kissed and they’ve confessed their love for one another, and yet Audrey can’t help but wonder where that leaves them. So when they are watching a movie in Brooke’s room, neither of them really pay much attention, Audrey asks. She knows that Brooke gets her. Brooke always seems to know how to answer Audrey’s questions, and how to read Audrey like her favorite book. When Audrey turns to look at Brooke she finds the blonde already looking at her expectantly. Audrey smiles softly at that. Of course Brooke already knows that Audrey’s been itching to ask her something, so she finally does. “Brooke, where does this leave us?” and she curses herself for sounding so small. She sounds like she’s afraid she won't get the answer she wants from the girl she adores. Brooke gently runs the tip of her finger over Audrey’s cheek before settling into playing gently with the tips of the raven haired girl’s hair. “Audrey Jensen, will you do me the honours of being my girlfriend?” she asks Audrey teasingly as a response, and it seems right the way Brooke says her name and girlfriend in the same sentence so she smiles and rolls her eyes as she nods before kissing Brooke again. She sighs into it because this is where she belongs, she belongs next to Brooke tasting the smile on her lips, and her favorite lipgloss.  
They’re definitely not paying attention to the movie anymore.  
“What about the people at school?” Audery asks after they pull back to catch their breaths. “What about them?” Brooke asks scrunching her nose in a way that’s so cute it makes Audrey want to kiss her senseless again. “Well they’re going to talk shit if we just walk hand in hand to school and start  
making out by our lockers in between classes,” Audrey says it as a joke, but Brooke’s face is completely serious when she responds, “Let them,” and Audrey wasn’t expecting that. Brooke always surprises her.  
“What do you mean?”  
“I mean let them talk shit, and if anyone gives you any trouble then I’ll make their life a living hell,” Brooke says as calmly as if they were discussing their favorite coffee drinks. Brooke seems to notice Audrey’s confusion and surprise so she smiles softly at her and pecks her lips before adding on, “Audrey I almost died...life is too short to care what those assholes have to say. I want to walk hand in hand with you at school and I want to make out with you by our lockers in between classes just like any normal couple would because we are a normal couple...except for the part where we both almost died, so I guess technically we’re a mostly normal couple.”  
And the following Monday they walk through the doors of the school hand in hand, Brooke with her head held high proudly holding her girlfriend’s hand with a look in her eyes that practically dared anyone to try and say something bad about them. Audrey just walked calmly next to her finding comfort in the warmth of their hands together smiling amused and also smitten by the way Brooke was handling the situation. And they did indeed make out by their lockers in between classes not really caring if it bothered anyone, and laughing into each other when Noah would wolf whistle at them or Emma would tell them jokingly to get a room. Audrey felt so much happiness and love she felt like she might burst, and Brooke smiled the brightest anyone had seen in a very long time.  
And Audrey loves Brooke.  
And Brooke loves Audrey.  
And maybe, just maybe, they were going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it! And thank you for reading this!!!


End file.
